i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
