proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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