dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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