Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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