I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
