my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
