went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
