I wish I could punch you in the face.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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