I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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