i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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