is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
