I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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