I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
