I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
