take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Boobs are out for the taking
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm really busy with my period
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