Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
