I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
