You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
