Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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