oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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