Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
