just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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