whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
