bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
