You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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