I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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