the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
