Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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