Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
