i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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