So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just invented taco cereal.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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