I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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