i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
