I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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