I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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