i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
