Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
