This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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