i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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