i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
