and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
