Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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