I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
