And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
false alarm, still single
Randomize
