There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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