Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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