Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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