I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
