Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
