I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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