just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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