my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
