u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
